Panic Attacks

Yesterday roommie decides I should accompany him on a relatively short jaunt to a nearby burb. It'll get me out of the house and give me a bit of ride time. Plus it's B.A.C.A. business. The ride down is quite froggy and only one or two complications, but otherwise uneventful. We have a nice time in said nearby burb, but by the time we start to head back home, it's getting late, which means it's getting dark.

We decide to take an alternate route home that we figure will be less foggy since it's more inland (there's lots of backroads around here) and head out with me in the lead and roommie behind and the chapter VP, Scary, passengering on his bike. We're probably more than halfway home when it sets in....

It's dark. Boy it's dark. Are the roads wet? Are they going to be slick? I remember having a problem the last time I came this way. Was it the roads? Where am I? Was that a deer? I can barely see where I'm going. Was THAT a deer? What if I hit something? What if I fall? Even if I manage to stay upright, what if I make them fall behind me? Can I see them? Where are they? Is that them or another car? Count the headlights, Ray. That's way too many headlights. Gosh that car's a bit close. Is that them? Did I lose them? Where am I? Gosh it's dark. Is it getting darker? Why can't I see? WAS THAT A DEER? Is there a curve ahead? What if I lose control of my bike? I hate riding at night. I can never see anything. Damn night blindness. Where are they? Where am I? Shouldn't I be recognizing things by now? Where the hell am I? Shit! Curve! Oncoming car! WHY CAN'T I SEE ANYTHING? WHERE AM I?!?

By the time I realize I'm not breathing anymore I recognize lights up ahead. Thank God. It's our home bar. I can stop there. Somehow I manage to pull into the parking lot and turn my bike off without hitting anything or falling over. Strings comes over. "Everything okay?" he says. I'm managing to breathe now, but I still can't see. The term "blind panic." comes to mind. "Panic attack." I say. He offers to remove my helmet, but I'm already feeling my breathing coming back to normal and my sight, well, that will just take time. Strings and Scary say they'll meet me inside and I sit there, leaning on my bike, willing for my sight to come back. I sit there until I can at least make out the street in front of me. I then make my way inside.

It's amazing the things that fear can do to a person. One minute I'm fine and the next, boom, can't see, can't breathe.... worrying I'm going to die or kill someone else. What I found most amusing today thinking back on it was that they usually refer to riding a motorcycle as "being out on the open road." Me, I was trapped inside my own damn helmet. At 60 mph.

So for those of you wondering why I haven't been posting lately, well, I guess you can say I've been going through a few... things. Don't like to worry people. I'll get over this stuff. Been reading up on anxiety, fear, that sort of thing. Been seeing my shrink and takin' my pills like a good gal. Got an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow, in fact. Takin' my car.